# Coping with grief

> Grief is a natural response to loss and affects feelings, body and thinking. There's no set timetable or order. Most people find that grief becomes easier to carry over time rather than disappearing. Talking, rest, routine and support help. If grief stops you functioning or you feel unsafe, speak to your GP or call Samaritans on 116 123.

Source: https://funeralfinder.org/uk/guides/coping-with-grief/ — updated 2026-09-25 — FuneralFinder

Grief can feel overwhelming, confusing and exhausting, and it rarely follows the pattern people expect. This guide explains what grief can feel like, the ideas that researchers and counsellors use to understand it, and practical ways to look after yourself. There's no right way to grieve, only your way.

## Key points

- **Grief affects everything:** emotions, body, sleep, memory and concentration.
- **There's no timetable** and no correct order of feelings.
- **The "five stages" are a model, not rules.** Most people move back and forth.
- **Grief tends to become easier to carry** over time, rather than disappearing.
- **Looking after basics** such as sleep, food and routine really helps.
- **Get help** if grief stops you functioning or you feel unsafe. Samaritans are available 24 hours a day on **116 123**.

## What grief can feel like

| Area | Common experiences |
|---|---|
| **Emotions** | Sadness, shock, numbness, anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, relief, yearning |
| **Body** | Exhaustion, poor sleep, aches, tight chest, changes in appetite, getting ill more easily |
| **Thinking** | Forgetfulness, poor concentration, disbelief, going over the death again and again |
| **Behaviour** | Crying unexpectedly, avoiding reminders or seeking them out, withdrawing, keeping busy |

All of these are normal. Some people feel very little at first and are hit later. Others feel intense grief straight away.

## Understanding grief: the main models

No single theory explains everyone's grief, but these ideas help many people make sense of what they're feeling.

### The five stages of grief

Described by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, the stages are **denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance**. She first based them on people who were facing their own death, not on the bereaved. The stages can be a useful vocabulary, but they're **not a sequence you must complete**. You may feel several at once, skip some, or return to them years later. If your grief doesn't fit the stages, nothing is wrong with you.

### The dual process model

Developed by researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, this model says healthy grieving involves moving back and forth between two things:

- **Loss-oriented** activity: crying, remembering, looking at photos, feeling the pain.
- **Restoration-oriented** activity: dealing with practical changes, trying new things, taking breaks from grief.

Both matter. Having a good day, laughing or focusing on work isn't a betrayal. It's part of how people cope.

### Continuing bonds

This idea, set out by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman and Steven Nickman in the 1990s, challenges the old belief that you have to "let go" and "move on". Many people keep a connection with the person who died: talking to them, visiting a special place, keeping traditions, or asking "what would Mum have done?". This is healthy and normal.

### Growing around grief

A simple picture many people find helpful: grief doesn't necessarily shrink, but **your life slowly grows around it**. The loss stays the same size, but it takes up less of your daily world as new experiences build around it.

## Anticipatory grief

If someone has a terminal illness or dementia, you may begin grieving before they die. This can bring sadness, exhaustion, guilt and sometimes relief when the death happens. All of this is normal. Hospices and organisations such as **Marie Curie** (support line **0800 090 2309**) can help before and after a death.

## Grief in difficult circumstances

Some losses can be especially hard, such as a sudden or violent death, a death by suicide, the death of a child, or a loss that others don't recognise (for example an ex-partner, a miscarriage or a colleague). Specialist support is available for many of these. See our [bereavement support guide](/uk/guides/bereavement-support/).

## Looking after yourself

- **Rest.** Grief is tiring. Nap if you need to and keep a regular bedtime.
- **Eat simply and regularly**, even if you're not hungry. Accept meals from others.
- **Move a little.** A short walk outside can help sleep and mood.
- **Go easy on alcohol.** It can make low mood and poor sleep worse.
- **Keep some routine**, but allow yourself days off.
- **Delay big decisions** where you can, such as moving house, until the early shock passes.
- **Talk about the person.** Say their name, share stories, and tell friends it's okay to mention them.
- **Write it down.** A journal or letter to the person can help.
- **Plan for hard days** such as birthdays, anniversaries and festivals. Decide in advance whether to mark them or do something different.
- **Accept help** and be specific about what would help you.

## When to seek extra help

Most people don't need professional help to grieve, but it's a good idea to talk to your GP or a bereavement service if:

- after some months, grief is stopping you working, eating, sleeping or caring for yourself or others;
- you feel numb or cut off for a long time;
- you're relying on alcohol, drugs or other risky ways to cope;
- you can't talk about the death at all, or can think of nothing else;
- you feel hopeless or have thoughts of harming yourself.

Doctors now recognise **prolonged grief disorder**, in which intense grief continues long after the loss and seriously disrupts daily life. It can be helped with specialist therapy, so please ask.

If grief has led to anxiety or depression, in England you can refer yourself to **NHS Talking Therapies** without seeing a GP. Elsewhere, your GP can refer you to local psychological services.

## If you need help now

| Situation | Who to contact |
|---|---|
| Immediate danger | **999** |
| Urgent mental health help (England) | **NHS 111**, mental health option |
| Urgent mental health help (Wales) | **111**, press **2** |
| Urgent mental health help (Scotland) | **NHS 24 on 111**, mental health option |
| Urgent mental health help (Northern Ireland) | **Lifeline** on **0808 808 8000**, 24 hours |
| Someone to talk to, any time, UK-wide | **Samaritans** on **116 123** |
| Prefer to text | Text **SHOUT** to **85258** |
| Bereavement support (England, Wales, NI) | **Cruse** on **0808 808 1677** |
| Bereavement support (Scotland) | **Cruse Scotland** on **0808 802 6161** |

## Helping someone who is grieving

- Say their person's name and share memories.
- Offer practical help: meals, lifts, shopping, school runs.
- Keep in touch after the funeral, when support often fades.
- Listen more than you talk. You don't need to fix anything.

See our [condolence messages guide](/uk/guides/condolence-messages/) for what to say.

## Next steps

- Find a service in our [bereavement support directory](/uk/guides/bereavement-support/).
- If you're helping children, read [children and funerals](/uk/guides/children-and-funerals/).
- Sort practical tasks with our [when someone dies checklist](/uk/tools/when-someone-dies-checklist/).

## Frequently asked questions

### How long does grief last?

There's no set time. The early, intense phase often softens over months, but many people feel waves of grief for years, especially on anniversaries. Grief usually becomes easier to carry rather than ending.

### Are the five stages of grief real?

They're a helpful description of feelings many people have, such as denial, anger and sadness, but they're not a checklist. The model was first based on people who were themselves dying. Most people move back and forth between feelings rather than through neat stages.

### Is it normal to feel angry or relieved after someone dies?

Yes. Anger, guilt, relief, numbness and even moments of happiness are all common, especially after a long illness or a complicated relationship. Having these feelings doesn't mean you didn't love the person.

### When should I get professional help for grief?

Talk to your GP or a bereavement service if, after some months, grief is stopping you from working, eating, sleeping or looking after yourself, or if you're relying on alcohol or drugs to cope. If you ever feel unsafe or have thoughts of ending your life, get help straight away.

### Can grief make you physically ill?

Grief often causes physical symptoms such as tiredness, poor sleep, aches, a tight chest, changes in appetite and difficulty concentrating. If symptoms are severe or you're worried, see your GP.

## Sources

- [Cruse Bereavement Support – Effects of grief](https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/)
- [Cruse Bereavement Support – Helpline](https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/)
- [Samaritans – Contact us](https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/)
- [NHS – Where to get urgent help for mental health](https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/)
- [GOV.WALES – NHS 111 Press 2](https://www.gov.wales/nhs-111-press-2)
- [NHS inform – Mental health services at NHS 24](https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/mental-health/mental-health-support/mental-health-services-at-nhs-24/)
- [nidirect – Lifeline](https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/contacts/lifeline)
- [NHS – Find an NHS Talking Therapies service](https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-nhs-talking-therapies-service)
- [Marie Curie Support Line](https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/marie-curie-support-line)
- [Shout 85258](https://giveusashout.org/)