Funeral etiquette: what to do before, during and after

Funerals come with unwritten rules, and it’s natural to worry about getting them wrong. The good news is that families rarely notice small slips. What they remember is that you came. This guide covers what to do before, during and after a UK funeral, including faith customs and online services.

Key points

• Check the funeral notice for details, dress requests and whether the service is private.
• Arrive 10 to 15 minutes early. Crematoria run to tight schedules.
• Switch your phone off, not just to silent.
• Leave the front rows for close family.
• No photos unless the family asks.
• Follow the lead of others during religious parts; you don’t have to join in.
• Keep in touch afterwards. Support often drops away just when it’s needed most.

Before the funeral

• Find the details. Look for a death notice in the local paper, on the funeral director’s website or on social media. It will usually give the date, time, venue and any requests.
• Check if it’s private. “Private family funeral” means please don’t attend. A memorial or wake may be open to everyone.
• Respond if asked. Some families ask for numbers for the wake.
• Decide on flowers or a donation. Follow any request in the notice.
• Send a card if you can’t attend. See our condolence messages.
• Plan what to wear. See what to wear to a funeral.

Arriving

• Aim to arrive 10 to 15 minutes early.
• At a crematorium, another funeral may be finishing. Wait quietly outside, away from the entrance, until the previous mourners have left.
• Don’t block the hearse or the family cars when parking.
• Mourners often wait outside until the coffin arrives. The family may follow the coffin in, with everyone else behind them. The funeral director will guide you.
• If there’s a book of condolence, sign it with your name and how you knew the person.

During the service

• Seating: the front rows on both sides are for close family. Sit further back unless you’re invited forward.
• Phones: switch them off completely.
• Standing: it’s customary to stand as the coffin comes in and goes out, and for hymns and some prayers. Follow the people around you.
• Religious parts: you don’t have to pray, sing or say “Amen” if it’s not your faith. Standing and sitting with others is respectful enough.
• Emotions: crying is natural. Bring tissues. Laughter at funny stories is welcome too.
• Children: sit near the aisle so you can step out quietly if needed.
• Leaving early: only if you must, and at a natural pause.
• At the end: the family usually leaves first. Wait for them before you stand to go.

At the graveside

• Stand back and leave space for close family.
• In Scotland, close family and friends may be invited to hold a cord to lower the coffin. You’ll usually receive a card beforehand telling you which cord to take.
• At many burials, mourners may throw a handful of earth or a flower onto the coffin. Follow the family’s lead.
• At Jewish and Muslim burials, mourners often help fill the grave. Take part if you’re invited and comfortable.

Faith customs to be aware of

More detail in our faith guides.

What to say to the family

Keep it simple and sincere:

• “I’m so sorry.”
• “[Name] was a wonderful person. I’ll really miss them.”
• “I’ll always remember [short memory].”
• “Thinking of you. I’ll be in touch.”

Avoid asking about the cause of death, comparing losses, or saying “I know how you feel”.

Watching a funeral online

Many crematoria and churches can livestream or record a service, often through the funeral director. If you’re watching remotely:

• Join a few minutes early to test your sound and connection.
• Don’t share the link unless the family says you can. It may be private.
• Treat it like being there: sit quietly, avoid eating, and mute any video call.
• Don’t record or screenshot the service without permission.
• Send a message afterwards to let the family know you watched. It means a lot.

Children at funerals

Children can attend if the family is happy and the child has been prepared. Sit near an exit and bring a quiet activity. See our guide to children and funerals.

Flowers or donations?

• “Family flowers only”: don’t send flowers; give a donation or card instead.
• “Donations in lieu”: give to the named charity, often via a collection at the door, an online page or the funeral director.
• No guidance: either is fine. See our funeral flowers guide.

After the funeral

• Go to the wake if invited, even briefly. See what is a wake.
• Keep in touch. A message a few weeks later, when the cards have stopped, is often the most welcome.
• Remember key dates: birthdays, anniversaries and the first Christmas or Eid or Diwali.
• Offer practical help: meals, lifts, shopping or help with paperwork.
• Point them to support if they’re struggling. See bereavement support.

Next steps

• Choose what to write in a card.
• Find out what to wear.
• Learn about coping with grief.