Headstones and grave memorials: a practical guide

A headstone gives a grave a name and gives the family a place to return to. It’s also one of the last big decisions after a funeral, and there’s no rush. This guide explains when a memorial can go up, the permission you’ll need, how to choose one and how to look after it.

Key points

• Wait for the ground to settle. Families often wait six to twelve months after a burial.
• You need permission. Every cemetery and churchyard has rules on size, materials and wording.
• The grave owner decides. In council cemeteries, that’s usually the holder of the exclusive right of burial.
• Use a reputable memorial mason. Many cemeteries only allow registered or accredited masons.
• The family owns the memorial and is usually responsible for its upkeep.

When can a headstone go up?

After a burial, the soil in the grave sinks as it settles. A heavy stone put up too soon can tilt or crack, so cemeteries set a minimum wait. Families often wait six to twelve months. Church of England guidance says it’s normal practice for six months to pass between burial and the memorial being put up. Some burial grounds ask for longer, because settling depends on the soil.

In the meantime, the funeral director usually places a simple temporary marker, such as a wooden cross or plaque. Many families find the waiting time helpful: it gives space to choose the design and wording together.

If ashes are being buried in an existing grave or a cremation plot, the wait may be shorter. Ask the cemetery office.

Permission and memorial permits

You can’t simply put up any stone. The rules depend on the type of burial ground.

Common restrictions include:

• Lawn sections, which often allow only an upright headstone on a base, with no kerbs or chippings, so the grass can be mown.
• Size and shape limits, including maximum height and width.
• Materials: churchyards often ask for stone that suits the church and older memorials. Church of England guidance gives polished black granite as an example of what may not suit a historic churchyard.
• Wording: churchyard regulations typically ask for inscriptions to be “simple and reverent”. Photos, QR codes and ornaments may not be allowed.
• Extras: vases, solar lights, fencing and toys are often limited or removed in regular tidy-ups.

Check the rules before you order. A mason who works locally will know them, but it’s your right to see them too.

If the registered grave owner has died, the right of burial may need to be transferred before a new memorial or inscription can be approved. The cemetery office can explain how.

Choosing a memorial

Common types

• Upright headstone, the most familiar style, often on a base with a vase.
• Kerbed memorial, which outlines the whole grave (usually not allowed in lawn sections).
• Flat or “desk” tablet, lying on or near the ground.
• Book, heart or shaped designs, often allowed within size limits.
• Cremation plaque or small tablet, for a plot where ashes are buried.

Materials

• Granite is very hard-wearing and comes in many colours. It holds polished and gilded lettering well.
• Marble looks classic but can weather and discolour over time outdoors.
• Sandstone and limestone blend into older churchyards and suit hand-carving, but weather more quickly.
• Slate is dark, smooth and good for fine lettering.
• Wood is sometimes used for temporary or natural-burial markers.

Lettering can be cut by machine or by hand, painted, gilded or raised in lead. Hand-cut lettering by a letter-carver costs more but can be very personal.

What does a headstone cost?

A headstone is usually a separate cost from the funeral and can be a significant one. The price depends on:

• size and material (granite and hand-finished stone cost more);
• the number of letters and type of lettering;
• carvings, photos or special shapes;
• fixing and foundations (many cemeteries require specific fixing methods);
• the cemetery or churchyard permit fee, which some masons include and others add on.

Get two or three written quotes and ask exactly what’s included, including the permit fee, fixing, VAT and any extra charge for adding future inscriptions. For wider budgeting, see funeral costs and local funeral prices.

Faith customs

• Jewish: customs on when to set the headstone (matzevah) vary, from shortly after the week of mourning to around the first anniversary, and many UK families hold a short consecration or stone setting towards the end of the first year. Families follow their community or burial society. See Jewish funerals.
• Muslim: Islamic tradition favours simple, modest graves, and many families choose a small plain marker rather than an elaborate monument. Muslim sections may have their own rules. See Muslim funerals.
• Christian: crosses, angels and Bible references (by citation, such as “John 14:2”) are common. Catholic and Orthodox families sometimes add a photo plaque where rules allow.
• Hindu and Sikh families usually cremate, so a grave memorial is less common. Some choose a plaque at the crematorium instead.

Choosing a memorial mason

The National Association of Memorial Masons (NAMM) is a long-established trade association, founded in 1907 to raise standards in the trade. Its website has a find-a-member search and a code of working practice. The British Register of Accredited Memorial Masons (BRAMM) is another accreditation scheme, and some councils run their own mason registers.

Before you commit:

• ask whether the mason is registered to work at your cemetery;
• get a written quote showing the permit fee, fixing and VAT;
• ask about guarantees on the fixing and the lettering;
• check timescales, as stone may need to be ordered in;
• never feel pressured into choosing on the day of the funeral.

Repairs and upkeep

The Ministry of Justice guidance for England and Wales states that ownership of memorials remains with the family. Cemetery rules usually make the grave owner responsible for maintaining the memorial.

Burial authorities carry out memorial safety inspections. If a stone is found to be loose, they should try to contact the family so it can be repaired. Where there’s an immediate risk of it falling, they may fence it off or lay it flat until it’s re-fixed.

To look after a headstone:

• clean it gently with water and a soft brush (avoid bleach and wire brushes);
• ask a mason to re-fix a leaning stone or re-gild faded letters;
• check it after bad weather or nearby work;
• keep your contact details up to date with the cemetery office.

Alternatives to a headstone

• Memorial benches, often through a council scheme in a park or cemetery (in a churchyard, a bench needs a faculty).
• Memorial trees or woodland dedications.
• Plaques in a crematorium garden of remembrance, or an entry in a book of remembrance.
• A donation in their name. See donations in memory.
• An online memorial page for photos and messages.

Next steps

• Search cemeteries near you and contact the office for its memorial rules.
• Looking for a relative’s grave? See how to find a grave.
• Considering a greener option? Read about natural and woodland burial.
• Still deciding? Compare cremation and burial.