Knowing what to say at a funeral worries almost everyone. The truth is that grieving families rarely remember the exact words. They remember who came and who was kind. Bereavement charity Cruse makes the same point: people notice those who stayed silent more than anything anyone said. This guide gives simple, sincere things to say in person, at the wake and afterwards.
Key points
- Short is fine. One or two sentences to the family is enough.
- Use the person’s name. It shows you remember them as a person.
- Share a small memory if you have one.
- Don’t compare, fix or explain. Just acknowledge the loss.
- Offer specific help, not “let me know if you need anything”.
- Silence is OK. A hug or a hand on the arm can say a great deal.
A simple formula
- Acknowledge the loss: “I’m so sorry.”
- Name the person: “…about your grandad.”
- Add something personal: “He always had time for everyone.”
- (Optional) Offer something real: “I’ll ring you next week.”
What to say to the family at the funeral
- “I’m so sorry about Maureen. She was one of a kind.”
- “Thank you for letting us be here to say goodbye to David.”
- “The service was beautiful. He’d have loved the music.”
- “I’ll always remember how Pat looked after everyone at the club.”
- “I don’t know what to say, except that I’m so sorry.”
- “Your mum talked about you all the time. She was so proud of you.”
- “Sending you so much love today.”
- “I’m thinking of you all.”
If there’s a long line of people, keep it to a sentence and move on. The family can’t have a long conversation with everyone.
If you didn’t know the person well
Perhaps you know the family but barely met the person who died, such as a colleague’s parent.
- “I never met your dad, but I can see how much he meant to you. I’m so sorry.”
- “I’ve heard so many lovely things about Anne today.”
- “I wanted to be here for you.”
- “I’m sorry for everything your family is going through.”
If you were close to the family
- “I’m here. Whatever you need, tonight or next month.”
- “I keep thinking about the holiday we all had together. Ray was in his element.”
- “I’ll drop some meals round this week, so you don’t have to think about cooking.”
- “You don’t have to talk. I just wanted to give you a hug.”
What to say at the wake
The wake is more relaxed, and it’s often where memories come out. You can:
- Share a short story: “Did I ever tell you about the time Sheila got us lost on the way to Blackpool?”
- Ask about the person: “How did you know Graham? I only knew him from work.”
- Talk to other mourners, especially anyone standing alone.
- Let the family set the tone. If they’re laughing, it’s fine to laugh with them.
- Leave gracefully: “Thank you for having me. It was a lovely send-off. I’ll be in touch.”
See what is a wake for more.
When the death was sudden, a suicide or a child
These losses can leave people especially raw. Keep it very simple:
- “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
- “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
- “She was such a bright, funny girl. We’ll never forget her.”
Don’t ask what happened, speculate about causes, or suggest anything could have been done differently. If the death was by suicide, “died by suicide” is gentler than older phrases that suggest a crime. See funeral for a baby or child and bereavement support.
Faith phrases you may hear or use
Only use a faith phrase if you share that faith or know it’s welcome.
| Faith | Phrase often used | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| Muslim | Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un | “We belong to God, and to Him we return” |
| Jewish | “May their memory be a blessing” | A common English condolence |
| Hindu | Om Shanti | A wish for peace |
| Christian | “They’re in our prayers” | Only if you know the family would welcome it |
Our faith guides explain customs for each tradition.
What not to say, and what to try instead
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “I know how you feel.” | “I can’t imagine how hard today is.” |
| “At least they had a good innings.” | “What a life she had. I’d love to hear more about it.” |
| “They’re in a better place.” | “I’m going to miss him so much.” |
| “Everything happens for a reason.” | “This is so unfair. I’m sorry.” |
| “Let me know if you need anything.” | “I’ll bring dinner round on Thursday, if that suits.” |
| “How did it happen?” | “I’m here if you ever want to talk.” |
| “You need to be strong.” | “Take all the time you need.” |
| “When my mother died…” (at length) | Keep the focus on them. |
If you can’t find the words
It’s fine to say “I don’t know what to say.” Being there is what counts. A squeeze of the hand, a hug or simply standing with someone can be enough. If you’re too upset to speak, a card later does the same job. See our condolence messages.
What to say in the weeks after
Support often fades after the funeral, just when the loneliness sets in. A short message can mean a lot:
- “Thinking of you today. No need to reply.”
- “I was just remembering Ken’s terrible jokes. I miss him.”
- “Fancy a walk on Saturday? I’ll come to you.”
- “I know it’s his birthday this week. I’m thinking of you.”
Next steps
- Read funeral etiquette and what happens at a funeral.
- Write a card with our condolence messages.
- Giving a tribute? See how to write a eulogy.
- Point friends to coping with grief.
Frequently asked questions
What do you say to the family at a funeral?
Is "sorry for your loss" OK to say?
What should you not say at a funeral?
What do you say if you didn't know the person well?
What should I say at the wake?
What if I say the wrong thing?
Sources
- Cruse Bereavement Support – What to say when someone is grieving
- Cruse Bereavement Support – How to help someone with grief
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Cite this page: FuneralFinder (2026). “What to say at a funeral (and what not to say)”. https://funeralfinder.org/uk/guides/what-to-say-at-a-funeral/ (updated 25 September 2026).